On reinventing yourself

by Courtney McKinley, AKA RavenRose

Sometimes I don’t think we realize how much of ourselves we give to others as we work through our day-to-day. From each message, email, face to face conversation, phone call, and the work we do. It can be exhausting, leaving us feeling drained by the end of the workday, then we go home to life, and responsibilities.  These responsibilities look different for everyone but that doesn’t make it any less of a requirement. Some have family, spouses, kids, or pets and even if you don’t have those you have friends, housekeeping, and maybe even the yard maintenance. Do you ever feel like a cog in a machine that is always just spinning? Have you noticed how much of yourself you feel like you have lost? Have you noticed how much harder it is to go out or to answer the question, “What do you want to… do, eat, watch, like,” or just “What do you want?”

There was a point, personally, where I had given all I had, and I felt on autopilot getting through every day.  It was easier to just go with the flow when someone wanted to do something or let other people pick where we ate and what we did because I would just find something wherever we went or was just along for the ride.

My son reached an age where he petitioned his grams to help him buy me a gift for my birthday and he asked me what I wanted. I felt like a deer in the headlights. I realized I had no sense of myself anymore; I had gone too long prioritizing everyone else and had insufficient boundaries. It had been a long process of losing myself, through having my son, and then getting divorced. I couldn’t just revert to what I remembered of myself. I knew I had to make some changes, and I had to find myself.

Let’s take a moment to point out that there are a lot of options available today, now that mental health is more widely acknowledged and accepted, that could be useful to someone who finds themselves in the place I was. For instance, there is the Mental Health Coalition which has an extensive resource library that covers things like, addiction, anxiety and stress, connection, coping skills, and many more.

This is my journey and be warned this is not a recipe, and there are many ways to achieve the same goal. For me, it started with a name, one that I felt encompassed who I thought I should be, RavenRose. Remember I was fresh from a divorce, and the raven signified for me this misunderstood beautiful creature who mates for life and roses are beautiful with a touch of fierce independence. RavenRose was going to do life right, she had a self-contained strength but valued deep connections while guarding her own space. I aspired to be like her.

I started oddly enough with my diet, taking back control where I could (having an opinion on where we ate), and why waste calories on things you don’t really like. So, I got picky. (Yum dark chocolate, Thai food, and Tex-Mex!) My style is still a work in progress, but it started with skinny jeans, combat boots, and a mohawk.  

I had drawn inspiration from others, the most important being when, my battle buddy (Army friend) and I went on a vacation together and I saw how bold she was, her confidence was the most amazing thing I have ever seen. I added that to RavenRose’s attributes and I knew I would spend the rest of my life trying to achieve that level of confidence.

There were a lot of outward appearance changes I could make but I realized that I had some deeper changes to make. It is easy to mistake strength with confidence, and I realized that strength is great, but confidence is deeper.

It took years of making changes here and there and constantly searching for ways to grow deeper to figure out and accept that I still had a boundary issue. Someone suggested the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, and the first chapter (which was all I was prepared to give) blew me away. It was like they were describing my life and feelings that I couldn’t even put words to.

It was life changing and helped me to see where I was overextending and giving so much of myself in work and in life. This process alienated me in some ways from family and some friends; they were used to the old me and didn’t want to allow me to change. There were rejections, and some wavering or readjusting necessary too, because a few good friends pointed out some flaws in a few of the paths I was on. It was worth it; sometimes when we are shackled by people’s ideas of us, it forces us to try to be who they want and not who we want, and then there are some people who truly care and will gently point out things we may not see ourselves. 

It led to a change in career, setting boundaries where there had not been boundaries before. It’s like giving someone too much cash back and then asking for it back, you aren’t likely to get it back without hard feelings. I was miserable in my previous career, I wasn’t challenged, and I was giving so much of myself. I went back to school and now I am embracing a new career path. It is scary, exciting, and best of all, I can help bring about change. I have a career with a purpose.

I still struggle with prioritizing self-care, and compliments make my skin crawl, but I am not drained at the end of every day. I have learned a lot about myself, and I like who I am now. I don’t know where you are on your journey, but wherever you are, make time for yourself, find your joy, and be a part of something positive in this world. Start small and watch it spread, I love that phrase “Be the change you want to see.” Challenge accepted.   

RavenRose has changed over the years as I have; new goals will continue to be set, and she is always here to help me find my confidence. I don’t know if everyone needs an alter ego, but for me it has been a fun journey.